It is the general human tendency to scold or yell at least 5 times on an average per day. I often wonder why people scold so much.
Parents scold their children; siblings fight and scold each other, friends fight and shout, lovers fight, wife and husband quarrel and a lot more in the list of yelling in a day to day life of different households!
I wanted to know the reason why people yell at all? What is the real motto behind their yells? And most important of all is “why am I scolded so much. What does the person really get by scolding and hurting me? What wrong did I do? Is there anything written on my face that ”yell at me cause I don’t bother” or “please do yell vent out your frustration on me I am completely jobless and can take it all!’
For instance let’s take an example of my school days, I was scolded and was given a sound thrashing by my mother for not performing well in my exams in school and bunking classes! I cried a lot and thought that my mother does not love me because all she does to me is to shout and yell at me and punish me. And the same was repeated by my father, sisters etc, etc every other relative, friend, whoever got the chance to do so.
I never really understood why I was scolded more for each and every mistake I did. I thought they always tried to find fault in anything I do rather than see the positivity in it because they don’t love me. And basing my opinion on this perception I stalled every attempt r progress they wanted me to make. I became adamant, arrogant and ignorant.
I was made to think like this because it is the general human tendency to remember or to have a memory of what all bad the person has gone through rather than the good he has and I was in this perception only until recently. If you want you can try it yourself. Take a paper and try to write what all went bad or not according to you today or any other day or in your life and then in another paper try writing what all good has happened to you. Then check both the papers and you will find that it is hard to write down what good has happened to you when compared to writing about the bad. The reason behind this is we have all been trained in or life to count our failures rather than our successes and the same tendency makes us recall and reminds us the times we have been scolded or punished rather than loved and being happy.
But a book has changed my perception. I thank Sreedhar Reddy sir, who gave me the book and suggested that I should read it. The book’s name is “The Success Principles, How to get from where you are to where you want to be” by author “Jack Canfield”.
The author says in this book that the real reason why we remember the times we failed or we were punished is because our mind always acts as a critic just as our parents and near and dear who always ask us to do or not do anything. It tries to show us what we don’t have rather than what we have and we are tutored from our childhood to do so in such a way. we often think that we are failing in our endeavours and our critics are pointing them out but fail to understand or think in a different perspective because those statements only reveal part of the truth they say and not a complete one. The same is the case with parents scolding their children. We only find anger in their words since they express it only in anger. But there are three more layers to it which act as a message to us, which we fail to see.
The complete message which we have failed to see and our parents fail to deliver would look like something which to make us better understand this message I am taking the above example of my parents scolding me for not passing in my examinations. So the message underneath their anger goes like this:
Anger: we are very angry and mad at you for not studying properly and failing in the exam.
Fear: we are afraid that you will not progress in your career.
Specific Requests: we want you to pay more attention to your studies and start doing better in your examinations.
Love: we love you so much and we don’t want you to be a failure. we want you to be the best. we want you to be happy, healthy and safe always because you are so precious to us and you deserve to enjoy the life to the fullest extent and in order to do so you have to study properly. Do you understand why we are insisting?
Wow! How different it looks now rather than the previous one I had in my mind. I always thought that my family was bent down to scold me, criticize me on anything I do because they hate me but after reading the above way the author has asked to look for in every yelling, now I realize that I am really stupid to not see that in fact I was the most loved in the entire house since I was scolded more!!!! I hardly knew that they loved me so much and all these years I failed to see that in these 4 layers. Now I realize how important they are in my life and what an important role they have played in my life, they risked being a critic in my life. They became the villain in my life just to make sure that I won’t go in the wrong direction. They have sacrificed so much for me and we are so much apart today just because I failed to see that where there is anger there in fact is love and care underneath it which we fail to see. But Today I am very happy to know why I am scolded and why my parents, friends and everyone else whom I feel as an important part of my life because now I know that there is love behind it masked in anger.
These are the people who took a hard decision to scold and yell at me on every mistake I make and I am glad they did because today whatever I am is because of their criticism. I am more than glad and happy to have you in my life and am happy that god has given me such a wonderful family!
“It is better to be slapped by truth than kissed by a lie!”
This book really has made a tremendous change in my attitude and the way I see life as. It is a good book and a must read one if you prefer to live your life to the fullest extent.
“Thank you for taking time and reading! I hope now you too understood why you are yelled at!!”
pc: Mani Deepika